Thursday, April 15, 2010
~ The never ending burden...
See this contraption on top? Yea, that's how I feel now... Just that inside that ankle cuff there is something cuffed called THE BURDEN OF A FAILED FAMILY. What I am about to tell you my dear readers might not make sense to you or you might think I may be selfish. But I have to air myself, because I am the verge of a very serious breakdown. Even though yes, you might see me as cheerful, playful, crazy and noisy on the outside... So here it goes...
Nothing seems to go right... Whichever side I choose, either one of them wouldn't be satisfied enough... Everytime I have to hear sighs, complaints, quarrels and other crap. But the thing is, whatever side I choose, I would never be happy. Because I know either one wouldn't be happy with whatever I would choose to do... Why is it so hard? I don't get it... Am I that dumb? (Ok guys, I think I lost you right here already what I am talking about but I have to go on... I am sorry.)
How I wish I could be really selfish one day and just think of how I would be happy, instead of worrying myself dead about others. The thing is, I just can't do that... My nerves are about to breakdown and I know if I really breakdown, whatever is left over of my pathetic family will break down too. I keep realizing that when I am about to fall into that bottomless pit of misery and I have to fight, struggle to pull myself back up to the surface.
I am finally getting my own life, but she isn't letting me have one. She treats me like I am 12 years old and not 22 years old. I am awake hello! My mind isn't all 1 2 3 a b c, and you have totally no idea what the hell I am thinking because you don't bother to listen. You always tell me; if you don't talk to me how can I know what you are thinking? Well, very simple, it's because you don't F-ing listen WOMAN. No wonder both your husband's left you, and both your sons left you. Can't you bloody see I am the only one who never ever left you! And now that I am finally able to obtain something I can call "MY OWN LIFE", you are RUINING it for me???! You just want my marriage to end up just like yours so the scores are even!
You only care about your own little world... You are wrong Lao Gong! She doesn't give a damn about what is going with or about me. Because everytime something happens in our house, the first person she blames is YOU! She is just finding a F-ing scapegoat to throw her misery on! I am sick and tired of that! I really can't bring myself to feel sorry for her, I really can't. She doesn't deserve it... Enough Wan Ru... Enough... Or I am going to blow my top again... It's hard to control emotions these days...
Frequently asked questions:- You not going Uni to continue study? Why?
- Answer: Uhm... Waste time...
- Why you get married so young??
- Answer: We already planned to get married, just that the date was auspicious and blalbabla...
- Are you living with your husband now??? No? Why not?
- Well, because I didn't want to leave my mum alone. Even though, I know by right I should stay with him now, but...
What the F! I have my own reasons for all this bullshit! I just need to think of more and more crap to run away from people and hide the truth, so I can blame myself for all the things I am not doing and what I am doing!!!
“No one is useless in the world who lightens the burden of it for anyone else.”
Who is going to lighten mine?
Things to do:
- Finalize planning for prom night.
- Rehearse like crazy for Momentum 2010.
- Find a full-time job by the end of May.
- Save like bananas for our new house.
- Plan and save for a wedding dinner.
- Co-organize Gallen's birthday.
- Organize Dear's birthday. *winks*
- Go through that graduation ceremony.
- Get a prom night dress.
- Find a solution to...
||| I am totally lost... I need to get me back on track... |||
Dear&Dar
12:48 AM
Dear
December 2007